


Abby Gets Familiar

by RandomItemDrop (thedurvin)



Category: Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, opabinia, random item drop - Freeform, realms of ridare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 01:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30115257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedurvin/pseuds/RandomItemDrop
Summary: A spellcaster needs a Familiar, so a Bachelorette of Dark Arts (future Mistress once she finishes her degree) heads down to the Beastmaster's to browse.
Kudos: 5





	Abby Gets Familiar

Nestled deep in the Greyfields of Quarll where Goldbox Boulevard dead-ended into Helminth Highway, a loose collection of kennels and chain-link fences marked the domain of one reputed to be among the finest keepers of creatures in the Falcopolis. A hooded figure approached the gate from the public way, a seeker of wisdom and power come to consult the craft of the Beastmaster. Waiting at the portcullis of the compound was a black creature partaking of the natures of cat and man, its eyes numinous with magicks, perched atop the lintel of the barred gate.  
“Welcome, traveller; I am Khaalsbiq, keeper of this portal. And hath ye come to seek Edricke Thundermount, the Master of the Beasts?” it asked the hooded figure. From beneath the hood shone a single eye the vivid color of the fuchsia or bougainvillea, although the harshness of her posture belied a nature scarcely floral.  
“Oh, sorry, no, I thought this was a sandwich shop, I just wanted a meatball sub,” she replied. “Must have totally missed that big billboard over the door and all the kennels; just figured they were for the exotic meats. Where it says ‘Beast Master’ I thought it said ‘Meats Baster’. My bad.”  
“I—what?”  
“Ha. Sorry, I spend most of my time around people that are used to my sarcasm,” she said. She pulled her hood down to reveal Elven ears above dirty blonde hair and cheekbones a smith could sharpen blades on. “Abystress von Darkenkunstler, up-and-coming spellcaster exiled from the Elven Realms for crimes unto the Elder Screeds, some light arson, grand theft carriage, that kind of thing. Yes, I hath come to seeketh ye olde Master of ye Beasties for to getteth my ass a familiar.”  
“I—well. Okay. I mean, well, enter, then, steel thy will and enter, Mistress of Dark Arts,” Khaalsbiq said as the gates eased open by unseen hands.  
“Still working on my degree, technically just a Bachelorette of Dark Arts right now, but thanks,” Abby said, easing into the main grounds. “Just a tip, though, man, you gotta work on your proportions—real Catfolks’ knees are a lot higher than that; you look like you’re wearing furry black jodhpurs. The claws should be a little subtler too.”  
“I, uh, I have them extended in an air of menace,” Khaalsbiq said.  
“I know ya do, buddy, I’m just sayin’,” she said. She let the gates close behind her, wondering if anybody was really still impressed by doors opening and closing themselves; they had them at the damn grocery store. She glanced around at the kennels and cages of creatures from across the Sundered Realms, wondering if she was supposed to help herself or if there was a cashier someplace. From inside one of the crumbling towers there hurried a cloaked Human seated on a throne on the back of a Thunderlizard, muttering curses at the creature to speed itself. As he approached Abby saw that the man’s legs were severed just above the knees.  
“Hail and well-met, traveller, I am the humble keeper of this menagerie,” the Beastmaster called out to her as his mount stumped over. From beneath his own hood his eyes glinted, huge and silver. “I hope my gate-keeper did not cause ye to tarry overmuch at the portal?”  
“Nah, I think I threw him off by not being spooked out by his catboy illusion and his fancy old-timey spiel,” she said. “I’m a wizard-in-training myself, I know how that shit works, so you really don’t have to give me Ye Olde Patter. I mean if I was wearing a mystical robe or some shit, maybe, but my hood is a pink hoodie with a pouch-pocket on the tum-tum and it’s full of candy wrappers.”  
“Oh, thank the fuckin’ gods, I hate this mystical marketing shit—fuckin’ Khaalsbiq,” Beastmaster Eddie said, pulling off his cloak to reveal a short-sleeved button-up shirt patterned with tropical flowers unbuttoned to the solar plexus to show off a gold amulet of a currency-symbol nestled in a nest of grey chest hair. The gleam she had seen of his eyes were a pair of aviator-framed sunglasses and he sported a truly majestic mustache. “So what’s up, doll, you lookin’ for a pet or what?”  
“I’m a professional practitioner of the Dark Arts looking for a familiar, and if you call me ‘doll’ again I’ll fill your chest cavity with Shadow-Spiders,” she said.  
“Sure thing, madame,” he smirked. “Well, here’s the spread. What kinda thing you lookin’ for? Ain’t cats traditional for witches?”  
“Traditional, yeah, I guess,” Abby sighed, “but my best friend’s a Catfolk and honestly there’s a lot of leftover sexual tension from when we fooled around a little in high school, so it might be a little awkward.”  
“Shit. You have that trouble with Khaalsbiq too?”  
“If he was more convincing, I might, but if he’s your marketing consultant, I bet underneath the sable panther-man he’s a little middle-aged marketing consultant, bald on top, mustache like a hairy worm, wears ties with his short-sleeved shirts, right?”  
“You got it. He’s actually got a combover underneath the magic cat-suit,” Eddie smirked. “All right, you don’t like cats, how about birds? Got a shitload of birds over here. Lotta tropical ones—distelfinks, lop-lops, all that sort of colorful shit, but I guess you’d be more into crows or ravens or something?” He lead the way into his aviary; Abby looked around. Traditional birds weren’t that interesting to her, and the weirder ones could be harder to keep. She looked seriously at a weird white bird with no beak, its head only a single eye. It glared at her and, somehow or other, screeched at her.  
“I dunno…don’t birds shit everywhere?”  
“What, you can’t magic their assholes shut?”  
“Does that sound like it would really be a good idea?”  
“Temporarily, I mean. Some people gotta walk their dog when they get home for the day, you gotta Dispel Constipation Hex. Hell, that sounds pretty good around here, might have to look into it myself.”  
“Whoa, Beastmaster Eddie, little too much info there,” Abby laughed.  
“For the animals, smartass,” he said. “You wanna come into the snake room? That’s pretty old-school for you Dark Arts assholes.” They headed into the next building, where a number of glass tanks were set up under a tiny False Sun for a heat-lamp. “Got Hoop Snakes, Stinger Snakes, Joint Snakes. Used to have one of those four-dimensional snakes, but shit, you try keeping one of them in tank. Pygmy Gators in the corner here, too. Even got one with Human teeth, it’s adorable.”  
“Tempting,” Abby said, crouching to stare at it. “Aren’t they usually more active in direct light like this? Is it asleep?”  
“They can be, yeah, sometimes; probably just pinin’ for the bayou,” Eddie shrugged. “C’mon, lemme show you the Ooze Room. Got shit with stalks and eyeballs and shit, you’ll love it.”  
“Nah, I don’t know much zoology but I know they’re too dumb to use as a proper familiar,” she said. “I dunno, man. I didn’t really have anything specific I was looking for, I was just hoping for something more…exotic.”  
“Weird shit, huh?” Eddie asked. Abby nodded with a grin. “Yeah, you young people come in here looking for the weird shit all the time, but it’s hard to keep this place stocked, y’know? I stock the same weird shit every time, then it stops being weird. Used to get Mermurs in, little airswimming shits like a monkey mermaid, then the bottom fell out the market and I’m stuck with a dozen of the screaming little shits. Finally broke out and went feral in the sewer system, and I was just glad they weren’t my problem no more.”  
“Mermur might have worked,” Abby sighed. “How about this. You’ve shown me a couple of rooms for animals by type, like the Reptile Room and the Slime Room; do you have, like, an ‘Other’ room, or ‘Miscellaneous’? Like I know a Grick is too wild to stay properly trained, but I want to see the room where you’d keep it if you got one. Or one of those big-tiddy lady-headed lions…or, no, that’s me being horny for my roomie again. How about a Giant Jackalope like Countess Patella rides around?”  
“She caught that thing herself out in Hyzefiro, and I just happen to know she caught Cinder Mites off it,” Eddie said. “Look, I been a salesman for a while, and I see you’re committed to finding the right thing, and if I manage to badger you into something that ain’t exactly what you’re after, you’ll be back in here in a week to return it and possibly curse me or some shit. Am I right?” She nodded sheepishly. “So let’s try a hands-off sales approach: you just wander the place and I let you alone, let the Hidden Spirits of Darkness or whatever guide you on your damn quest, then when you’ve made your mind up, holler and I’ll come find you.”  
“Is there anything dangerous I should know about?”  
“Almost a Mistress of Dark Arts and you’re askin’ me?” Eddie laughed. “Hell, call your profs up and maybe you can get course credit if you manage to get out of here without getting bitten, stung, infested with parasites, or slimed. How about this: just keep your hands out of the tanks and don’t make eye contact with nothing under a shroud. Oh, and you can go in the big barn if you wanna, just don’t meddle in the affairs of the dragon in there.”  
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that joke.”  
“Joke? What joke? She’s sick, she’ll yack all over you,” he said. “Got a vending machine and a coffee-maker out front of the Snake House if you get hungry. I’ll be in my office in the big tower there; I got some paperwork to catch up on since my last shipment came in from out Lutwidge way and there’s a bunch of extra forms I gotta file to sell critters from non-Euclidian space. Just yell if you need something.”  
“Yeah, no problem,” she sighed. She really hadn’t expected this to be so hard. She walked the grounds and inspected every cage, kennel, tank, and pen she could find; a lot of space was dedicated to rideable mounts and guard-beasts, which weren’t what she was looking for, and everything else seemed pretty dull for the modern spellcaster. A classmate in the Divination department had gotten lucky with an Eyeless Lamb, but that really wasn’t Abby’s style; she needed something grittier, but weirder than a crow or a wolf. Even the idiot undergrad Wrulphonse that Dr. Quincunx had her mentoring had a big bat from his family’s castle in the Pits of Garaane; he made it wear a ruff collar and it constantly whispered ill tidings. Abby looked around at her options. Scarmiggles could be great but had to be fed near-constantly with psychic energy. One chamber contained the tanks of a variety of Airswimmers, beautiful creatures from the depths of ancient oceans adapted by Gods to move through the air as they once did the water, but they tended to be finicky eaters and quite delicate—great for the more eldritch types of spellcaster that enjoy hiding out in creepy caves giving adventurers cryptic advice, but Abby preferred actually getting to punch the bad guys now and then and didn’t want a familiar that would die if a Beholder looked at it funny. A Thrums muttered and puffed its pipe at her, riffling its mustache as a Triskellion stamped aggressively at a Megalovirus that was feeding on some kind of dead Ooze in a corner. A Flail Snail was tempting, but they were a combination of dumb and aggressive that even Abby didn’t feel like dealing with, and one of those weird little Pigeonmen felt too weird even for her, especially since they had the same problem as regular birds but with Humanoid butts.  
She was about to give up and tell Eddie she’d have to try again when he was stocked up on Aberrations, but she stopped to grab a snack out of a vending machine and saw something scrabbling around in the trash piled up around the garbage bin: an Airswimmer the size of a beer can, using a prehensile claw on a stalk on its nose to grab crumbs out of a bag of cheese-puffs and stuff them into its mouth. Its body was like a centipede with fins instead of legs and its head was studded with five raised black eyes.  
“I summon thee, O Beastmaster!” she yelled over her shoulder. She looked over her other side and he was already there. “How’d you get here so quick?”  
“I was a Ranger til I lost my legs to a Chainsaw Shark, so now I apply my tracking skills to reading customers,” he smirked. “Subtle changes in body language—can always tell when a customer’s made their mind up. So what can we bag up for you?”  
“What is that?” she asked, pointing at the little Airswimmer. The ones in Eddie’s tanks were graceful and colorful, Familiars for the kinds of spellcasters that wore flowing gowns of ever-shifting rainbows and garlands of rare flowers; Abby wore jeans with no knees and a hoodie she hadn’t washed in weeks, and this little thing looked like a dead shrimp covered in cheese dust.  
“Opabinia vulgaris, commonly known as a Snout-Lobster or an Elephant Prawn,” Eddie said. “Out in the Ether between the crags, there’s a lot of wild-assed Airswimming scavengers that eat the garbage floating out there that people have dumped off the edges. Little bastards sometimes sneak into spelljammers to nibble on the goods; probably came in with that shady-ass truckload of critters I got in from Geisel Heights.”  
“Can I have it?”  
“That?” Eddie scoffed. “Lady, it’s vermin. It’s the Ether’s equivalent of shroombas in the woods, globsters in the ocean, those rats with the big weird teeth that stole a baby in Edraxany. They eat garbage and probably got all kindsa diseases.”  
“Just like me!” Abby protested, kneeling down. She tried to reach out for it and it tried to dash back but hit the wall of the Snake House; seeing there was nowhere to go it tried to jet between Abby’s legs but she conjured a sphere of solid darkness and caught it, releasing it into her hands. Startled by the work of the Darkenkunstler, the Opabinia allowed itself to be grabbed, although it did still bite her a few times with its claw.  
“You’re bleeding,” Eddie said.  
“Yeah, she’s sassy,” Abby said. “By the powers of darkness and the spirits that dwell in infinite shadow beyond existence, I cast **Chill The Fuck Out**.” She tapped the Opabinia on what she was fairly sure was its head and it slowly stopped thrashing and now gently nibbled Abby’s hand a few times. “Is she tasting me or just half-assing an escape attempt? Because that spell can knock out a drunk Drow. This bitch is tough.”  
“You’re gonna need a shot for Space Rabies,” Eddie said.  
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Abby said. “How much you want for it?”  
“Lady, it’s vermin; it’s not something I’m selling, it’s something I call pest control about,” he pleaded. “Look, why don’t you put that thing down, get some iodine on those bite wounds, and take another look at that little gator with the human teeth? You liked that guy, dincha?”  
“Yeah, but it was pretty obviously dead,” she said. “I _could_ use some necromancy practice, though, now that you mention it. Tell you what, my man, I’ll give you five falcoins for both of them. I mean, Doodles the Snoot-Lobster is coming with me either way, since I’ve already named her, so really I’m just giving you five bucks for a dead lizard.”  
“Now, look, lady—”  
“No, it’s fine! Here, I’ll help you make your mind up.” She reached into her pocket, pulled out some falcoins, tossed them to Eddie, and disappeared in a blossoming flash of shadow.  
“You crazy—”  
“I’m taking the dead mini-gator too! Thanks, dude!” came her voice echoing as if from a boundless void beyond comprehension.

**Author's Note:**

> ITEMS & ENCOUNTERS  
> Calsbeek https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/181345380774/   
> Thunderlizard mount https://randomitemdrop.tumblr.com/post/186486323245/   
> Lop-lop bird https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loplop   
> Distelfink https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Distelfink   
> Alerion / Eyeball-Duck https://thedurvin.tumblr.com/post/644420756417150976/   
> Hoop Snake https://www.al.com/living/2016/04/what_is_a_hoop_snake_and_why_d.html   
> Sting Snake https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/177473430819/   
> Joint Snake https://itsmth.fandom.com/wiki/Joint_Snake   
> Four-dimensional snake https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/636250163194871808/   
> Gator with human teeth https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/622875819956633600   
> Mermur https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiji_mermaid   
> Grick https://forgottenrealms.fandom.com/wiki/Grick   
> Big tiddy lion lady https://pathfinder.fandom.com/wiki/Sphinx   
> Countess Patella & Mr. Yeager https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/181290339318/   
> Eyeless lamb https://randomitemdrop.tumblr.com/post/180880107138   
> Wrulphonse von Schlimm https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/180169277733/   
> Bat with a ruff https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/622619141065637888/   
> Scarmiggle https://randomitemdrop.tumblr.com/post/188422134091   
> Thrums https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/630085816396496896/   
> Triskellion https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/188862479369/   
> Megalovirus https://randomitemdrop.tumblr.com/post/631439141077467136/   
> Flail Snail https://roll20.net/compendium/pathfinder/Flail%20Snail#content   
> Pigeonman https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/643731963470069760/   
> Shroombas https://www.mariowiki.com/Goomba   
> Globsters https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Globster   
> Rats With Human Teeth https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/182823488165/   
> Opabinia with cheese-puffs https://randomencounters.tumblr.com/post/174911392502


End file.
